Match point. Never in my life have i had so many disagreements with my 'self'; what i think is not what i used to think, what i want is not what i used to want, what i beleive is not the same anymore... My desires are against some reasons, against even with other passions, my feelings are in oposition to my thoughts, my thoughts are contraries to my beleives ... and so on...
I am in the border, in the boundaries of my life. Now i see things and life so different than before, a new horizon is shown to me. I would say i am in the match point, which in tennis is the point that if won would enable the scorer or the scorer's side to win the match.
The time has arrived, now i started to wonder what i want for my life, what do i like, what do i want to do in some years, in the future.
Moreover, I always thought thinking about future it was a waste of time, because new things appeared to me, which i did not plan at all, and good things just happened... like divine will. It was perfect for me to let the life conduce or lead me, but now it is not enough.
I was told that people appear in life for an specific reason, even if the persons stays 10 minutes, such ten minutes were done for something, for us to learn somethig or grow as a persons.
I've met new people which have given to me new things to learn, i've read new ideas what have changed my point of view towards life, and all this forced me to reconsider my life, to reorganize my feelings and thoughts and to stablish myself in a different perspective...
I've got loads to think and do, but i will not worry if i can. I just will 'try' with my new point of view. if does not work, does not matter. Let's see where does the ball will fall.

Necesito un limón.

Hay acontecimientos en la vida que nos marcan para siempre, hay sucesos que se impregnan en nuestra memoria y que nunca nos abandonarán; son tan fuertes que nuestra mente los traslada a un lugar donde no estén tan presentes, pero en algún instante estos saldrán a la luz por cualquier motivo y harán que se revivan de nuevo las experiencias. En esos momentos no hay lugar para apoyos humanos, solo está el ser ante la nada, ante lo frágil de la vida. ¿Qué persona es capaz de cambiar el devenir de la historia? Nadie, los apoyos que tenemos en otras personas es fundamental para la superación o resolución del problema, pero en los verdaderos vacíos interios que se generan, el hecho de que en un momento todo deja de ser normal y nos enfrentamos ante el ligero velo de la vida y la muerte... no hay mortal alguno que pueda servir.

Hace unos meses tuve una experiencia que marcó mi vida, podría describir segundo a segundo cada detalle de ese día. Fue cuando más sentí mi impotencia, incapacidad y debilidad. Si no hubiera tenido personas a mi lado, ahorita tal vez estaría durmiendo en una celda. [ Todo por la corrupción y por eventos inesperados ] El apoyo humano es fundamental, pero no lo es todo. Las visicitudes de aquello que llaman vida pueden ser tan grandes que se experimenta una soledad entre mi ser y la nada, entre mi vida y la muerte. Entre un posible cambio de destino tan drástico, tan rápido, tan no planeando, tan indeseado. No es nada fácil.

Hoy reviví ese día, ese nefasto pero tal vez necesario día. Reviví las injusticias. Todo. Incluso la necesidad de un limón, pues en fuertes experiencias lo mejor para el organismo, para estabilzarlo por dentro es comer un limón. A pesar de que ya había tenido una experiencia, fui totalmente inútil para ayudar a las personas, ni siquiera por conocimiento empírico o por simple humanismo. Tales hechos pueden superar al hombre, sus capacidades y experiencias. En esos momentos solo esta el ser y la nada juntos. Es necesario algo más grande que el hombre que ayude a superar esto. Tal vez.

Purpose of life

ji :

Few days ago i was thinking about the things are happening to me, the way I response to the events, situations, people, troubles and so on. I was terriefied to notice how different i am, as i wanted and i decided to be before.

Some time ago i decided not to be the same, i was sure about what i wanted in life, what was my purpose during this "earth life". But with the daily life - fast, busy, willing of success-... i just forgot about it. I started to establish new objectives, goals, some of them far or even oposite of the main one. My sight changed of direction, i mean i'm not looking anymore for the first purpose of my life.

I can see this because i don't see life as i used to. This might be the reflexion of one simple guy, one of the million citizens of the world, who see life's passing in front of him, showing the "splendorous", the magnificent things this world can offer: success, power, good-life, wealth. But this things are empty, at the end does not offer anything good to the man, but suffering...stress, waste of time, loneliness ...

I'm not saying people should have the attitude of a pey or lazy person towards life, but i try to explain the incongruity of my life: i'm totally sure about lasts statements, by experience i know what the world offers is just appariance, illussions which are merly thing built over nothing. Even though, i just let me conduce by the daily life, forgetting about the most important thing: my truly purpose of life.

My truly "Native country" is where i want to go. In order to get there i need to put my sight towards this, every single day, every single moment.

Do not forget for what have you were born Josue. To conquer the supreme good. the most precious of all.

Just try to do what you believe, what you want, what you are conviced of... and do it till the fulfillment of it. If is not possible, ask for help! but do not desperate, the recompense is bigger than the effort.